grumbler

"but ye'll have had experiences…it begins with a grumbling mood, and yourself still distinct from it: perhaps criticizing it. And yourself, in a dark hour, may will that mood, embrace it. Ye can repent and come out of it again. But there may come a day when you can do that no longer. Then there will be no you left to criticize the mood, nor even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself going on forever like a machine…"(C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce)

Funny thing about growing up and getting older is that you learn and experience so much. This year has really been a transitional year for me. It has opened my eyes to the person that I am and the person that I hope to one day be. I've come to realize that the decisions we make and the the way in which we choose to see and interact with the world around us has a phenomenal effect on the person we are and will eventually become. In a way, we choose our own reality. Our decisions determine our experiences. These experiences, in turn, are made up of the people we meet, the clubs and activities we choose to take part in, the classes we take, the future we desire, etc…along with the person we choose to project ourselves to be and the company we keep. It has to do with the little decisions that we make whether it be what we choose to eat today for lunch or whether or not we decide to stay up and write that paper due tomorrow. I had never really wanted to believe it before, but, in all practical reality, we are essentially the complete sum of our experiences. Sure, you might have heard all of this before, big whoop right? But, in all honesty, its all been a pretty huge deal for me.

In general, I've been a bit of a pushover, a crowd-pleaser, all my life. I've let so many other external forces control and take me over. So much so that sometimes I've felt like a machine just spitting out answers, empty smiles, waves, and homework assignments. I've let myself be consumed by doubt, confusion, and fear. But, recently I've decided that I'm sick and tired of closing myself up, of embracing the unreal. I am more than enough. I am real.