happiness

happiness is like a butterfly;
the more you chase it,
the more it will elude you,
but if you turn your attention to other things,
it will come and sit softly on your shoulder...
(thoreau)





i sometimes sit and wonder what it is that makes a man. what gives him strength - the courage to carry on. i have no desire to live forever. in fact, i have no desire to live at all.

the shadow proves the sunshine ... this is your life, are you who you want to be? ... i find peace when i'm confused, i find hope when i'm let down ... nothing is sound ... nothing is sound ... nothing is sound ...

i need some sort of spark to reignite my soul ... if i even have one anymore.
i'm just so damn afraid all the time. i don't even know of what.
but whatever it is, its holding me back.
its keeping me from pursuing that which i most desire.
it whispers in my ear and works tirelessly,
trying and oftentimes succeeding at convincing me to settle;
to settle for less.
to give up.

i want to say that i won't let it.
that i will work just as tirelessly to fight it.
jesus, i wish i could say that i love life.
that i treasure every breath.

dammn.
i wish i could be happy all the time.
but, the reality is, happiness isn't something that can be achieved.
it is only through the acceptance of what is that one can ever learn to be at peace. an embrace of oneself and ones weaknesses. someday i'll learn what it means to be happy. in the meantime, i'ma do my thing and wait to see what happens. oneday...