damn. why now?

why the fuck can't i sleep?
my chest just feels so heavy and yet empty at the same time.
its like there's an ache in my heart.
what the hell does this mean?

for some reason, i've been feeling strangely lonely lately.
don't get me wrong. i have the BEST friends and family the
world has to offer...seriously. but, i dunno why, i still feel
incomplete. somehow unloved. maybe its because i still
haven't really learned to love yet myself. i'm too full of my
self. too busy getting rid of my own demons and fears.
too busy just building enough courage to take on the next
day. too fucking busy talking myself into taking a risk every
now and again. to tell the truth, i'm really a pretty weak guy.

i mean, i'm not afraid of a lot of things, physical things, things
that i can control and overcome with slow, steady, consistent
practice. things that i know i can make myself improve on ...
you know, like sports and dance and stuff. its like the only thing
i know how to do - that's kinda why bboying means soo much
to me right now. without it, i'd be a fucking mess. i just can't
seem to cope with too much emotional stress .... love included.
i'm too afraid to take a risk when it comes to relationships.
in other words, i've never had the balls to ask anyone out.

yea. i know i say that relationships are just another hassle. some
thing extra to deal with. more bullshit under the bucket. but in all
honesty, i don't think anyone can really live without ever giving it
some serious thought. everyone wants it ... love, i mean. why else
do you think there are so many love songs? true, i did sort of get
caught up in hs with friends who were always coming to me with
their girl problems and stuff. i always sorta felt like having a gf
or "significant other" changed people ... honestly, in a way i didnt
like. aka. friends stop being so close. they spend the time they
used to spend with you on their "new" best friend. haha. i know it
sounds ridiculous, but hey, that's the reality right? and then after
they break up (which was hella common in high school) they'd
go on about how much they really didn't like the person they were
with. this always confused me. how could any two people be so
close decide to suddenly hate each other? what kind of friendship
is that? its like a hit and miss kinda thing. a moment of something
they would define as "love" ? ehh. not so sure. not for me at least.

its all just soo weird. when two people get together, i feel like they
are destined for one of two things ... marriage or mutual hatred.
what the hell kinda deal is that? but i guess i wouldn't know, since
i've never really felt either of these emotions toward anyone. and
THAT is my problem. i've gone so long trying to avoid these two
"feelings" (love and hatred) that i don't even know if i'm capable
of them anymore. yet, something inside of me knows that i need
it more than anything else. it won't let me rest until i've found it.

crazy huh? nahh,. don't even know what i'm writing anymore. its
just late and i can't sleep, so i'm just randomly typing. it feels good
letting my thoughts just hit the screen in the form of words. its like
they are finally becoming tangible and real. something i can work
for and fight against. i need to practice. i need to be able to do
something that will just finally wake me up to the world. wake me
up from myself. i need change. i need something more than alcohol
or drugs to keep me from sitting in bed late at night wondering if
my life will ever sort itself out. i'm just so lost and lonely. haha.

ohhwells. can't think of anything else to type.

laterz.