#kingdom mentality

one of my biggest inspirations.



your childhood dreams and goals are not just lofty ambitions and thoughts in the universe. they are your inheritance. they belong to you.

happiness

happiness is like a butterfly;
the more you chase it,
the more it will elude you,
but if you turn your attention to other things,
it will come and sit softly on your shoulder...
(thoreau)





i sometimes sit and wonder what it is that makes a man. what gives him strength - the courage to carry on. i have no desire to live forever. in fact, i have no desire to live at all.

the shadow proves the sunshine ... this is your life, are you who you want to be? ... i find peace when i'm confused, i find hope when i'm let down ... nothing is sound ... nothing is sound ... nothing is sound ...

i need some sort of spark to reignite my soul ... if i even have one anymore.
i'm just so damn afraid all the time. i don't even know of what.
but whatever it is, its holding me back.
its keeping me from pursuing that which i most desire.
it whispers in my ear and works tirelessly,
trying and oftentimes succeeding at convincing me to settle;
to settle for less.
to give up.

i want to say that i won't let it.
that i will work just as tirelessly to fight it.
jesus, i wish i could say that i love life.
that i treasure every breath.

dammn.
i wish i could be happy all the time.
but, the reality is, happiness isn't something that can be achieved.
it is only through the acceptance of what is that one can ever learn to be at peace. an embrace of oneself and ones weaknesses. someday i'll learn what it means to be happy. in the meantime, i'ma do my thing and wait to see what happens. oneday...

damn. why now?

why the fuck can't i sleep?
my chest just feels so heavy and yet empty at the same time.
its like there's an ache in my heart.
what the hell does this mean?

for some reason, i've been feeling strangely lonely lately.
don't get me wrong. i have the BEST friends and family the
world has to offer...seriously. but, i dunno why, i still feel
incomplete. somehow unloved. maybe its because i still
haven't really learned to love yet myself. i'm too full of my
self. too busy getting rid of my own demons and fears.
too busy just building enough courage to take on the next
day. too fucking busy talking myself into taking a risk every
now and again. to tell the truth, i'm really a pretty weak guy.

i mean, i'm not afraid of a lot of things, physical things, things
that i can control and overcome with slow, steady, consistent
practice. things that i know i can make myself improve on ...
you know, like sports and dance and stuff. its like the only thing
i know how to do - that's kinda why bboying means soo much
to me right now. without it, i'd be a fucking mess. i just can't
seem to cope with too much emotional stress .... love included.
i'm too afraid to take a risk when it comes to relationships.
in other words, i've never had the balls to ask anyone out.

yea. i know i say that relationships are just another hassle. some
thing extra to deal with. more bullshit under the bucket. but in all
honesty, i don't think anyone can really live without ever giving it
some serious thought. everyone wants it ... love, i mean. why else
do you think there are so many love songs? true, i did sort of get
caught up in hs with friends who were always coming to me with
their girl problems and stuff. i always sorta felt like having a gf
or "significant other" changed people ... honestly, in a way i didnt
like. aka. friends stop being so close. they spend the time they
used to spend with you on their "new" best friend. haha. i know it
sounds ridiculous, but hey, that's the reality right? and then after
they break up (which was hella common in high school) they'd
go on about how much they really didn't like the person they were
with. this always confused me. how could any two people be so
close decide to suddenly hate each other? what kind of friendship
is that? its like a hit and miss kinda thing. a moment of something
they would define as "love" ? ehh. not so sure. not for me at least.

its all just soo weird. when two people get together, i feel like they
are destined for one of two things ... marriage or mutual hatred.
what the hell kinda deal is that? but i guess i wouldn't know, since
i've never really felt either of these emotions toward anyone. and
THAT is my problem. i've gone so long trying to avoid these two
"feelings" (love and hatred) that i don't even know if i'm capable
of them anymore. yet, something inside of me knows that i need
it more than anything else. it won't let me rest until i've found it.

crazy huh? nahh,. don't even know what i'm writing anymore. its
just late and i can't sleep, so i'm just randomly typing. it feels good
letting my thoughts just hit the screen in the form of words. its like
they are finally becoming tangible and real. something i can work
for and fight against. i need to practice. i need to be able to do
something that will just finally wake me up to the world. wake me
up from myself. i need change. i need something more than alcohol
or drugs to keep me from sitting in bed late at night wondering if
my life will ever sort itself out. i'm just so lost and lonely. haha.

ohhwells. can't think of anything else to type.

laterz.

just need somebody to love

(Somebody to love)
I don’t need nothing else
I promise girl, I swear.
I just need somebody to love.

I need somebody I-I need somebody
I need somebody I-I need somebody.

some nights i just lie awake thinking about all of the
chances i missed to find love. to chase it down. search for it.
i'm just too afraid i think. i used to tell myself that its something
that i don't need. just a bit of extra drama i could do without.
yet, here i am, left regretting my decision to ignore my feelings.
to shut out what i feel inside. truth is, i don't think i trust it.

i'm just a stupid kid who can't live out of his own head. stuck
with they way things could of been and or could be. i have little
or no real power over my present moment and situation. yes, i
know that in reality i am the one who holds the key to my present.
nevertheless, i don't feel like it. i feel so weak and helpless. i make
promises to myself every day, to change. to become stronger.
to become more courageous. to stomp out my fear. if only i could
be reminded of these resolutions every second of every day.
i'm just such a wimp sometimes.

just looking at myself now, i can't help but wonder if things will ever
change. will i ever find somebody to love? and how will i know it?
i feel like just jumping on the next possible opportunity. but what if
that chance doesn't feel right? what if i know from the get go that she
isn't the one? how long will it take to find her? and once i do, how can
i be sure not to let her slip away? i tend to wait waay to long to act.
the feelings are there but my tongue and legs won't move. what if i'm
too late? will i end up just being alone forever?

so many mediums

soo.
right now,
i'm blogging...
while checking my tumblr...
while watching youtube...
while listening to music...
while facebooking...
and IMing...
and trying to draww.
hehe

crazy right?
soml.

LTMFL

i promise to save myself for you...completely.

i want your love for me to be total and free, but i
can't ask for anything that i can't give.

every moment,
every thought spent away from you
is an effort wasted...a piece of my heart thrown away
and i want to so dearly keep what is left for you.

i pray simply that i may be able to persevere and
stay strong in my desire to settle for nothing less...
nothing less than the real thing.

create in me a clean heart O God
and of my iniquities wash me O Lord.
help me to love as you love.

grumbler

"but ye'll have had experiences…it begins with a grumbling mood, and yourself still distinct from it: perhaps criticizing it. And yourself, in a dark hour, may will that mood, embrace it. Ye can repent and come out of it again. But there may come a day when you can do that no longer. Then there will be no you left to criticize the mood, nor even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself going on forever like a machine…"(C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce)

Funny thing about growing up and getting older is that you learn and experience so much. This year has really been a transitional year for me. It has opened my eyes to the person that I am and the person that I hope to one day be. I've come to realize that the decisions we make and the the way in which we choose to see and interact with the world around us has a phenomenal effect on the person we are and will eventually become. In a way, we choose our own reality. Our decisions determine our experiences. These experiences, in turn, are made up of the people we meet, the clubs and activities we choose to take part in, the classes we take, the future we desire, etc…along with the person we choose to project ourselves to be and the company we keep. It has to do with the little decisions that we make whether it be what we choose to eat today for lunch or whether or not we decide to stay up and write that paper due tomorrow. I had never really wanted to believe it before, but, in all practical reality, we are essentially the complete sum of our experiences. Sure, you might have heard all of this before, big whoop right? But, in all honesty, its all been a pretty huge deal for me.

In general, I've been a bit of a pushover, a crowd-pleaser, all my life. I've let so many other external forces control and take me over. So much so that sometimes I've felt like a machine just spitting out answers, empty smiles, waves, and homework assignments. I've let myself be consumed by doubt, confusion, and fear. But, recently I've decided that I'm sick and tired of closing myself up, of embracing the unreal. I am more than enough. I am real.